08/25/2024 (M/D/Y)
I woke up sick with a bad fever and hurt wrist, so I couldn't grind SI. Pushing past pain is how I end up like Holoknight and I know my quality of runs will be worse because of my fever so I'm not going to play because of that. (I did a little bit but stopped once the pain started happening.)
Ellie apologized about the C&A's and I feel bad about her feeling sad but I'm also happy that she seems to understand her approach back then was sometimes outright harmful as I've felt the need to rant to Holo once or twice (three times now in the process of making this) about how I just... felt fucking awful about being C&A'd especially the old pb (4:38). That one was rough because at first I felt like meme'ing and laughing at it but as the months piled on and I just didn't pb, I started thinking about it in a different, more serious light that it probably shouldn't have been taken.
Especially Lily's meme comment got to me. 'Is it really that bad of a run? I know it's full of blunders but I still 4:38'd, is it really that funny? I'm just trying to play the game after making a bad mistake.'
I don't think it's the stupidest run of all time, Holo agrees too by how much they defended me when that comment came up when we watched it together. The mining all stuff before 2 and a half minutes comment aged very poorly but at the time it felt like a genuine jab? 'Like yeah, you're arumin you do dumb shit and you got this time?' A dismissal of monotasking that hadn't even begun to have any shape or form in my mind.
The missed hits comment is very true and dead on but it was wrapped in almost insults and in a way felt like another comment to add on the list, I made the wrong call on it for sure but I can't fully blame myself for shutting down when that happened in the way it did. The lack of comments on the "good" part of the run is something that feels like it adds to the energy of jabs/against vs helping mentality. It took me two months to get it and I felt like it just got shitted on without any actionable advice.
Don't make the obvious mistake you made? Thanks, I won't fuck up that bad again! Missed hits a lot? Eh, maybe it was just twice and Ellie noticed it then, I need some count or evidence before I consider it. Help was supposed to come and it didn't. But because it thought it did, it would never actually come cause it checked off my run in its checklist.
It felt weird Ellie actually thinking monotasking is a good idea or her reaction to my run being positive. It feels still sort of not real and/or fake. I think that I even sort of feel like this has shown that something or stuff has gone wrong in the SI community that a top runner thinks it.
And to the present again where she apologized for it. Fuck, I didn't know you can feel what I felt reading that. I had to wait for HoloKnight to respond so that I had to face it. I know Ellie isn't a bad person, far from it. I 100℅ believe she didn't know that her words could have such a weight or effect and that literally being told that, she did finally realized that it does infact weigh heavy on the people she C&A's. I believe she will adjust her future C&A's from now on and take Holo's comments and what happened to me in the future. So I completely forgive her, and I don't want her to be burdened by what happened.
I also want to tell my side of the story too and ignore the notion, that I can't acknowledge that I did feel negative emotions from someone who's a good person. I won't fly this in her face, and I won't bring it up more than necessary to put it behind me simply because I have no room in my heart when all these good memories or things fill it. (If you're reading this somehow Ellie, I'm sorry for any bad feelings you got from reading this. I don't want any grudge and I have no plan to remind you of this.)
Holo is right when they say to take this energy and make sure something like this doesn't happen again. I told Glyph about the missed hits, the monotasking mindsets I developed, the mining Holo and I discovered, and the options he could've done for his run. The C&A still has issues but I think it's a better step forward then a normal one and the hyper statistical one I've made. If anyone wants one from Mr it will be better than what C&A's of the past were used for.